NOTE: I now write regularly (every Sunday and often more) on Substack. But I’m trying to keep this blog up to date as well, because it still gets a lot of traffic. So I’ll be copying and pasting my weekly love letters here. But if you want the full effect–over on Substack I also offer book reviews, and lots of links to writerly things and personal recommendations. And in November, I’ll be hosting open office hours every Wednesday, where you can get your writing questions answered. See you there! And now, for this week’s love letter.
Hi lovies,
The other day I was feeling really good. I’d done my daily 1K word writing session, the sun was shining, I was feeling energetic and alive. And then…
My searchlight of doom switched on.
It’s the light that searches for something wrong.
On that particular day, I remembered that I had an appointment I wasn’t looking forward to. So of course I couldn’t be happy. And then I thought about a family member who was suffering physically. So then I couldn’t be happy. And I remembered I’d forgotten to make an important call. There was no way I could be happy.
The brain says: you’re happy, that can’t be right, must find something wrong. If you’re a normal human (i.e., non-writer) the searchlight of doom might shine on something like this:
—Oh, but, I can’t be happy because of that pain in my hip keeps cropping up.
—Oh, but, I can’t be happy because my kid is flunking Algebra.
—Oh, but, I can’t be happy because I didn’t get that client I wanted.
But if you’re a writer it might go like this:
—Oh, but, that agent who requested my full hasn’t gotten back to me.
—Oh, but, I’m stalled on my WIP
—Oh, but, nobody is ever going to want to buy the story I’m writing.
And so on and so forth, forever and ever. I’m certain you can add your own reasons and make your own very long list. But they all stem from the same base thought, which is, I can’t be happy because __________________.
The human brain is hardwired to cant to the negative. It’s called negativity bias, and it makes you pay more attention to the bad than the good. Here’s how the VeryWell website defintes it:
“This bias toward the negative leads you to pay much more attention to the bad things that happen, making them seem much more important than they really are.”
What a crock of shit. C’mon brains, why does this have to be the case? Why can’t we just be happy when something good happens?
Because it’s a primal thing, a result of evolution. Back in the day (waaaaaay back), you had to be constantly scanning for danger because it was all around you. That giant beast about to lumber in and eat you, dude from a rival clan with a spear sneaking up on you, a terrible storm blowing in (no radar in those days, haha).
It helps me to remember that negativity bias, aka, the searchlight of doom, is a thing. I can remind myself that my nervous system is probably jacked and do some exercises to calm it. Find some examples here and here.1
Besides the examples in the links above, in my experience, the best way to turn off the searchlight of doom is to get your ass out of your brain and get busy. And also focus on those things I harp on all the time, glimmers. Because, who knew? It turns out that paying attention to glimmers is another really good practice for resetting your nervous system. More on that here.
And finally, maybe most importantly, is to remind myself, that it is not yes, but…
Being happy is not a matter of etither or. Being happy is an and. Or a happy anyway. Or in spite of. As in:
—Yes, my kid is failing algebra but I can be happy in spite of that.
—No, that agent has not responded to my query, but I can be happy anyway.
—Yes, I’m stalled for the moment on my WIP, but oh well, I can still be happy.
Love, light, and good writing,
Charlotte
P.S. How do you dim your searchlight of doom?
P.S. Feel free to leave a comment here, or hop on over to my Substack to engage with the community there. It’s a great group!
