That Thing You Worry About? It Will Set You Free

I worried about it all week.

My reading at the Spalding MFA residency was scheduled for 4 PM on Friday, as part of the alumni homecoming weekend.  Six alums who had recently published books would read and afterward, sell and sign books.

And I was nervous.

Nervous because I’d spent the week immersed in the glory of talking about writing and literature 24/7.  Every day in workshop, where I assisted the award-winning short-story writer (and my former mentor) Mary Clyde, we went over the finer points of writing literature.  That would be Literature, with a capital L.

One day in class, somebody mentioned Stephen King.

“I don’t read popular fiction,” Mary Clyde said, not in an unkind way, just an authoritative way.


Because, in my heart of hearts, I consider Emma Jean to be popular fiction.  I wanted my novel to be literary, really I did, but what came out on the page was, well, maybe a bit quirkier than that.   And here I was, in the heart of the world of literature, ready to read the first four pages of the book, in which our heroine declares her hatred of babies and realizes for the first time that her personality is a bit on the snarky side.

Friday afternoon came and as part of my duties as an assistant, I handed out drink tickets for the after-party, which helped soothed my nerves.  (So did the arrival of Leisa Hammett, my student and dear friend, who happened to be in Louisville that weekend. It also helped that my beloved friend Candace was there to check out the MFA program.)  And then it was time to read.

We were in a meeting room on the first floor of the Brown Hotel, where the walls were painted a deep mustard and decorated with curlicued flourishes.  I made my way to the podium and began to read, where I promptly decided as I read that I was bombing, with a capital B, because I couldn’t hear much laughter.  (And the novel is, for better or worse, supposed to be funny.)  I told myself that my worst fears had come true.  And I chalked it up to reading a popular fiction piece in a literary environment.

But when it was over, I was greeted with enthusiastic applause and people rushed up to me to tell me how funny I was, and how great the reading had gone.  It turned out that the acoustics in the room were a bit odd and everyone was laughing a lot, I just couldn’t hear them.  I sat behind a table which held a placard with my name on it, clutching a glass of wine Candace had brought me, and waited for people to bring me books to sign.

Which, to my surprise, they did.  Like, lots of them did. And it was the most wonderful thing because the comments they made elated me.  How they heard the first paragraph and knew they had to buy the book.  How my bio in the program inspired them.  (Um, that would be the bio that I cringed when I read because it combined my two worlds in a way I thought was a bit un-literary.) How they loved my reading and laughed all the way through it.

And I realized I had done it, done the thing I worry about it more than anything else: been myself.  Because I’d had no other choice, I’d presented myself as the person I am, a writer of popular fiction with a literary background and one who teeters between the poles of these genres a bit uncertainly at times all the time.

I hadn’t bombed.  Quite the contrary–I ended up selling more books than any other reader there, which I mention not to brag about, but to prove my point, one that we’ve heard over and over again, that being authentic is the path to freedom.

Lesson learned.  Phew.  Now I’ll probably have to learn it all over again sometime again soon.

PS.  Mary Clyde loved the reading, and she bought my book. 

What about you?  Do you struggle to express your true self?

17 Responses to That Thing You Worry About? It Will Set You Free

  1. Roy 05/28/2013 at 10:42 #

    Congrats on your reading! Wish I could have been there. Roy

  2. Charlotte Dixon 05/28/2013 at 10:50 #

    Thanks, Roy!  Hope you enjoyed your trip to Chicago.

  3. Carole Jane Treggett 05/28/2013 at 12:19 #

    Oh Charlotte, I’ll second Roy’s sentiment: I really wish I could have been there!

    How courageous not to let your anxiety stop you from following through by being yourself at the reading, and then to get such glowing appreciation and affirmation for your stellar work! So, so great. You’re inspiring.

    Thanks so much for sharing this and so many of your other experiences with us so honestly, and for the encouragement to go forward and just be who we really are, write what is most authentic for us to write.

  4. Evelyn 05/28/2013 at 12:49 #

    I love this! As someone writing my first book, I think about this “literary vs. popular” thing on occasion too. This might not endear me to the literati, but I think that declaring something to be lesser simply *because* it is popular is elitism. And … classism, really.

    I will never understand why simply the act of connecting with a great many readers is enough to disqualify an author from being considered a “serious writer.” Isn’t writing, or any other kind of art, about making a human connection? Why is it better to connect with only some rarefied, sparsely populated ivory tower?

    Anyway, good on you! I’m glad it went so well.

  5. Charlotte Dixon 05/28/2013 at 13:09 #

    Thanks so much, Carole Jane.  And most of the time, honestly, I don't feel inspiring, I feel like I'm just trying to get some writing done, like everyone else.  But I'm glad you think so!  And I wish you could have been there also!

  6. Charlotte Dixon 05/28/2013 at 13:11 #

    Wow, Evelyn, well said!  I tend to agree with you.  I love me my popular fiction (especially women's fiction) and I love literary fiction as well.  I don't see why they have to be mutually exclusive, I really don't.  I am reminded of some of the backlash that occurred when Oprah chose Jonathan Franzen for one of her book picks and he went on to diss her and the book club.  Um, really?  That pissed me off and that attitude makes me crazy.  Thanks so much for weighing in.

  7. Roy 05/28/2013 at 14:10 #

    The older I become, the more I read, and the more I teach students who read very little, the less I care about the literary v. commercial…conflict. Once upon a time, I was a literary snob. No longer. If anyone is reading anything, then it’s a win-win. Read anything!

  8. Charlotte Dixon 05/28/2013 at 14:24 #

    Agreed!  And I especially feel that way about kids.  I don't care if they are reading Twilight, or Harry Potter, or zombie fiction–hey they are reading and that's what counts.

  9. Sandra Pawula 05/28/2013 at 15:05 #

    What a genuine story! I’m glad it turned out so well for you, and ended up as such a profound lesson.

  10. Charlotte Dixon 05/28/2013 at 15:26 #

    Thanks, Sandra! 

  11. Jessica Baverstock 05/29/2013 at 02:39 #

    I’m so happy to hear it went well. I would have been very intimidated under those circumstances too.

    I can’t imagine people not liking you or your work though, so I think we all knew it was going to turn our well in the end. 😉

    Congratulations on your success and on having the courage to stand up and be yourself. 😀

  12. Charlotte Dixon 05/29/2013 at 06:13 #

    Thanks, Jessica.  And that brings up a good point–courage comes in the doing of things.  At no time did I think "I'm just going to stand up and be myself."  Rather, it was more like "Well, I don't have any choice about this so here goes."  But either approach nets the same result!

  13. 05/29/2013 at 10:22 #

    Great lesson—point well taken. Congrats :-).

  14. Zan Marie 05/29/2013 at 16:11 #

    Go, Charlotte, Go! Emma Jean *is* funny. I’m glad the audience enjoyed it. ; )

  15. Charlotte Dixon 05/29/2013 at 16:13 #

    Thanks, Zan Marie!

  16. amanda 06/05/2013 at 18:37 #

    If this were facebook, I would like this post 12 times. But it’s not. Still, I like it 12 times :-)

  17. Charlotte Dixon 06/06/2013 at 07:57 #

    And I like you 12 times 12!  Thank you so much, Amanda!

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